About Me

For just about as long as I've been conscious, I haven't known how to eat. Well, clearly, I understand the mechanics.  But I didn't know how to eat healthfully in a sustainable way. Further, and it took me a LONG time to realize this, I was going beyond the ubiquitous 'emotional eating' into treating an anxiety disorder with food (among other unhealthy or useless tactics).  I remember, as a child, getting so upset or depressed that I felt the only thing that would make me feel better was food; usually, fast food was what I wanted. This probably just sounds like I was a brat who complained until she got what she wanted, but I wasn't, and my parents didn't treat me that way. Inside, I was panicking, and fixating on the food I wanted and transferring my anxiety to getting that food really worked quite well! Or, at least, it worked in calming me down for the time being.

Ultimately, throughout my life, I have felt powerless in making myself feel better. I've also felt out of control and immature in really just one aspect of my life - food.  It always seemed like other people weren't constantly thinking about what they were going to eat next, whereas it was what I was looking forward to, and sometimes, the only thing I was looking forward to in the whole day.

Do you think I was raised lashed to a radiator by abusive parents and suffered at school for having smelly clothes and bad hygiene? In fact, I have one of the most functional families I know, and I was well liked in school, smart, had a boyfriend, et cetera. When I was in high school, my weight was around 175. The first time I went to college, I got down to around 160 pounds through dieting and exercise, but then gave up when I reached a plateau. I didn't finish school and moved home, depressed and aimless, where I gained probably 25-30 pounds.

I moved again to start up school - a different major this time - and I think got down to around 175 again, mostly through walking all over the place (easy to do with no car and a dog with lots of energy). But then I got busy with school, and the weight slowly crept back on. And then when I graduated and stopped walking to school several times a week, and I sat around eating whatever I wanted and being depressed about the job market and being unemployed, I ultimately ended up where I am now, at 220 pounds. Only I have a crappy job now.

Given that traditional dieting and calorie counting had worked for me temporarily in the past, but ultimately failed, and besides that didn't change what I was eating, I wanted something new. Specifically, something that was healthful, good for my community, and good (or, at least, not bad) for the environment. I'd read a few articles about the book French Women Don't Get Fat, by Mireille Guiliano, and liked the premise of eating high quality foods with an emphasis on flavor, nutrition, and seasonality.

Up until now, I've primarily been eating things that superficially taste good, and lots of it, until I ended up too full.  People like to say, 'It's easy, you just eat less and exercise more. Eat healthful stuff. Fruits, vegetables, whole grains, blah blah blah!'  And yes, I consciously know all of this, but I have never known how to do it effectively, and long term. So I just spent 80 dollars on groceries and have planned my meals, and I'm really, really hoping that I can do this, and stay committed to the amount of effort and preparation it will take. I'm hoping this blog will help.  Please wish me luck!