Ahhhh, three days off from work. I was, for me, very productive today.

I woke up late, took a shower, shoved some walnuts in my mouth, and went to the Pike Place Market to get some fresh seafood and produce. The market by my apartment is really good, but I don't think you can beat the PPM for fresh seafood. It was rainy and gross out, but since it was the middle of the day on Thursday and it wasn't super crowded.

First, (after going to the bank and getting cash!) I went to the Daily Dozen and got a half dozen mini donuts. This, I hope, is included in the indulge-compensate principles. They were really good, but quite heavy. Hah hah, I initially typed 'quite heaven.' My subconscious is not subtle. I ate them while standing on a little balcony, under an umbrella, gazing out at Puget Sound and listening to Pulp. It was nice to stop and take a minute instead of eating them on the go. So after I OM NOM NOM'ed those bitches, I got four sea scallops and four ounces or red snapper. Came to about $12. Yeesh. I mean, that makes $6 for meat for per dinner. I'd wager that I ate out once a day before. Not usually in a fancy sit down restaurant, but cheap stuff, either fast food or awesome sandwiches from Safeway. I know, it sounds horrible. And then eat something else at home for whenever else I was hungry. So, ultimately, this is probably cheaper, but I have to get used to spending money on good meat/fish like this.

Another thing. I have to get used to buying better quality stuff, and less of it. I automatically go for the cheap stuff and have to stop myself. I also have to continually remind myself that there's no reason to be hungry. Luckily, turns out I love raw almonds and raw walnuts, and while I eat more than Mireille's 7 or 8 to take the edge off the hunger, I don't think I'm eating so much I feel stuffed. I guess not, since I put my jeans on for the first time in a few days (had just been wearing work pants) and they definitely fit better. However, it's hard to say how much of that is due to giving up soda, and how much of that is due to the new diet (as in, what one eats, not as in diet plan). I'm petrified that when the newness of giving up soda wears off, my weight will plateau and the diet will not work for me. Mireille says in her book that the principles are really for people who are up to 30 pounds overweight. Obviously, that's not me. I'm well beyond that. But I'm hoping that I'm not too far gone for her help!

Anyway, Seattle seems to have a bit of a fixation on French food, and while getting a 'demi' loaf of French bread at La Panier, the "very French bakery" (no kidding, it says it on the sign and on the bags!), I saw those almond croissants. There's some French name for them. Anyway, I decided that next week, when I will probably make the same trip, I will get one of those. Probably a better choice. While I was at the PPM I also picked up a little satchel of lavender. I put it in my purse for the time being, with the intent of...I don't know, putting it in my apartment somewhere. But it's making my purse smell so good it cheers me up every time I open my bag! So I might just leave it in there. Mmmm lavender.

I also stopped in at Sur La Table with the intent of getting an individual baking dish. If I cut recipes down to one serving, it wouldn't really fit into the baking dishes I have now. So I got a cute Le Creuset set of two for $35, one medium sized one and one small one. Ever since seeing "It's Complicated," and wondering wtf the a 'croque monsieur' was but knowing that it looked really good, I've been obsessed with getting my own little baking dish and doing one up. There's a great New Orleans cuisine restaurant near my house that does a croque madame, and supposedly it's really good. I just have to get up early enough to try it.

Anyway, so for dinner I made Sea Scallops and Leeks in Champagne Sauce. Unfortunately, since I don't know how to cook, I left the skillet with the leeks and champagne and shallot on the burner and just turned the burner off, so while my scallops seared, my champagne sauce burned off. But it was still really good. I also made some asparagus - I just coated a pan with olive oil, plopped the asparagus on it, and sprinkled it with garlic salt and white pepper (first thing I grabbed). I also heated up my demi loaf and had a little of that with buter, and that was dinner. It was good, and I didn't feel too full.

Tomorrow I'm going to make Leeks Mozzarella for lunch and Snapper with Almonds for dinner.

I sure hope I'm doing this right.

Weight update

All right, I stripped down to my undies and stepped on the scale tonight, just out of curiosity. Scale says 214. While I don't believe I've lost 6 pounds since I started this four days ago, I do think I've probably lost around three. Last time I got weighed was at the doctor's office, and I was fully clothed, so I'm going to think that's probably about three additional pounds. I've got a doctor's appointment next Thursday, and I'm sure they'll weigh me. While clothed. We'll see what the scale says then!

In any case, I think my belly does feel smaller. Whenever I lose weight, it's always really easy to tell at first - by feel, I mean - but as it goes on, it's harder to tell, since you don't have time to get used to how the new weight feels before it changes again.

In any case, I can at least update my stats on the right to reflect this new change! BTW, can anyone tell me how to do the HTML for that, where my start/current/goal weight is? The p in <>'s doesn't work, and that's about the extent of my HTML.

The Time I Had to Shop at the Fat Lady Store

Because my menial job is menial and the pay is horrible, I shop at the Rack. I'd probably do it even if I had a ton of money because who doesn't love a deal? I love to shop, but I usually end up buying tops because, I don't know. Maybe they are more likely to be stretchy and thus fit me better. Maybe the current trend of loose drapey styles means they fit me. So I rarely buy pants, only when I really NEED to. Other Fat Ladies can probably empathize with this - I NEED to do it when the inner thighs of the pants start wearing out. I remember seeing a What Not to Wear episode where Stacy saw this on the inner thighs of someone's pants and was like, "What is happening here? What kind of friction causes THIS?!" It was clear she'd never encountered it, and honestly, her reaction was kind of offensive! For the rest of us whose thighs rub together like a poorly-oiled machine, wearing through pants is a fact of life. BUT! I have had the same pair of Jag jeans since July of this summer, literally the only pair of jeans I've been wearing, and they are only now just starting to show the wear. I will definitely buy more Jag when I need to, that's the longest a pair of jeans (that I wore that frequently) have lasted.

So anyway, I'd bought some work pants at the Rack, some Ralph Lauren linen-y type tan pants. They were summer weight. I wasn't super crazy about them and I don't know if they were getting tighter, or had been that tight when I bought them, but eventually the pressure of my gut pulled the button free, AND the two hook closures. I started wearing them with a belt because I was too lazy to replace everything. But when the inner thighs started to go, I thought 'Eh let's just get new pants.'

But I had to face a new reality. The Ralph Lauren pants were a size 16, and as noted, they were having trouble with my mass. I think I had tried on some pants at Nordstrom one time before I decided to get new work pants, and none of the 16s were fitting me. I had to admit to myself that if I wanted to find a pair of comfortable pants, I was going to have to go to the Fat Lady Store, AKA Lane Bryant.

Now, let me interject something at this point. When I call it the 'Fat Lady Store,' it's more a reference to how - as I perceive it - society perceives Lane Bryant. A store for fat ladies who have given up and are so large they need to go to special stores that make clothes that fit their bulk. Intellectually, I feel that hey, beauty is subjective. If you think overweight people are hot, cool. If you're overweight and think you're hot, even cooler. I don't even think overweight/obese people are necessarily ugly, and I certainly don't feel disgust toward them. In fact, I don't really assign any sort of value judgment to excess weight, positive or negative. But Lane Bryant was always a store for people who REALLY had a problem with their weight, not me.

I continue to refer to it as the Fat Lady Store, however, because it illustrates to me (and now you) what kind of denial I was in. All my life I knew I was overweight, but it was never really THAT "bad," right, because I could shop at regular stores, couldn't I? Well, now I couldn't. I have not felt as dejected and upset with myself in a long time as I did the day I went there to get pants. In fact, I even thought I might fit into their 16s, because given that brand sizes run differently, I thought theirs might run a bit large. But no, I didn't. It was when I tried on 18s in a certain style and those didn't fit that I really started freaking out. However, that ended up being just that particular style, and I got a different pair of pants in 18. But standing there, trying on pants made for people built like Humpty Dumpty - a form I was fast approaching, since that's how I gain weight, all in the gut! - was such a cruel slap in the face about myself that I wanted to cry. I also ALMOST vowed to never drink another soda again right there, but ultimately decided going in with no plan and mental preparation would probably result in a failure.

Before I went in, I had been forming a plan in my mind based on Guiliano's book, but when I left, I was even more determined to really give it my all this time. I am afraid that if I actually reach size 20, I'll just give up entirely, which is even more terrifying than trying.

I just need to be sad for a minute here.

In addition to anxiety, I think I'm mildly depressed. Right now I feel so far removed from my goal, so helpless, and so unsure of whether what I'm doing is working, that I feel totally despondent and hopeless.

I was just looking at pictures of a childhood friend on Facebook. I would say she's an average weight - not overweight at all, but not really toned and athletic or really thin. In one picture she laments having a 'double chin,' about which she says 'ew.' I can't even identify with that. All my life - or at least since I was six or so - I have felt like an outsider in this regard. I've never known what's like to be able to see your ribcage, or to feel a tight stomach that doesn't have it's own bulk. Even when I was at my lowest weight after I was done growing, which was 155, I still had some belly left and thought I would be perceived as overweight.

It is incredibly difficult to look at thin girls my age who are having fun, wearing cute clothes, being pretty, and know that I don't and have never really felt that way - and even more difficult to imagine being at that point, and how I will get there, because I'm SO far away from it. How can you imagine something that has never been real? I believe that encompasses Plato's theory of forms, doesn't it? Well, there's me, and then there's thinness, so the two ideas are obviously real, so maybe not. But you know what I mean...imagining myself at a healthy weight and feeling confident and good looking isn't much of a motivator, since I've never felt like that, and have never been that. If I weren't at work I'd probably take a minute to be all verklempt and cry on my dog, but oh well.

Second Day - Relative Success!

So after my horrendous 12 hour day, I slept for ten hours Sunday night. This is how nocturnal I am - after working those 12 hours on 3-4 hours of sleep, I STILL stayed up until 3:30 in the morning. Part of that was because I had some work to do when I got home - real work, that pertains to my career, and pays great -but mostly it was because that's just how I am. So I woke up late on Monday - like around 2 - and had to shower before I left for work at 3:30. Since pissing away time on the internet is a given, I also did that, but then had to rush and thus didn't really get a chance to eat anything before work.

In fact, I pissed away so much time and was being so sluggish that I missed my bus and had 30 minutes to kill, so I went to the good grocery store by my apartment and bought some 'bali style meatballs.' I had also packed a bunch of stuff with me but that was more finger food like nuts and dried apricots, and didn't want to get into those before washing my hands. So anyway, I had a couple of those, and then when I got to work I had the fruit and nuts.

When I got home - which took an HOUR AND A HALF because my first bus was late, so I missed my second bus - I was so tired and angry that I sat on the couch for way too long, until I was so hungry I decided I wanted to eat a bunch of hot bread and butter for dinner. I live right near a Safeway, and have unfortunately managed to go there RIGHT when their French bread is coming out of the oven. There is nothing like good hot bread with butter. I never eat a whole loaf at once, obviously, but have mastered the art of reheating bread in the oven (perhaps that sounds like a simple process, but really, I'm the least domestic person I know).

So for dinner I had maybe...1/3 of the loaf, an Italian sausage, and the rest of the strawberry and tomato salad, sans tomatoes, for dinner. And water. While this probably wasn't what Mireille had in mind, I didn't eat so much I felt stuffed or overly full in any way, and that's an important component of the 'plan.' I also learned something else: you should really not leave the strawberry and tomato salad, just finish it off all at once. It was still good, but it was no longer amazing, and that was disappointing. In the future I suppose I'll pare down the recipe to one serving - I had made two servings on Sunday.

Still no soda. I miss it, but it's not an aching yearning, at least.

I am worried that I won't be able to commit to all the effort involved, the planning, preparation, cooking, and clean up, long term. If I fail, I feel like I will be at a loss about what to do next about my weight.

The first day....a frightening success

So, good heavens. First of all, I had a horrible day yesterday. I have to work 12 hours at my menial job on Sundays, from 8 to 8, and I am so not a morning person I'm practically nocturnal. I got about 3 hours of sleep Saturday night, and the one thing that was making me feel better was that I was going to bring my dog to work with me so I wouldn't have to worry about her at home alone all day (although, I feel compelled to clarify, my neighbors let her out for me; she'd just be lonely all day long). I should mention that I work at an assisted living facility for seniors.

I get to work and the manager on duty for Sunday has brought his son with him to work. This isn't really a good place for a child to hang out all day, and this seven year old, full of energy, was no exception. Kids can make my dog nervous. The manager planted his son near the front desk, where I work, and then left to attend to the super bowl party he was running for the residents. After shooting pool for a while, and who knows what else, the boy works his way up to the front desk, where he proceeds to, no joke, break chalk, cut up latex gloves with scissors, find some thread in a drawer and spool it all over the place, among other things. He also doesn't really know how to interact with dogs and read dog body language, and despite me saying, 'She gets nervous when there's a lot of activity,' or, 'don't get right up in her face like that,' or, 'be careful with your feet, she's sensitive about that,' the kid didn't listen. He wanted to feed her peanut butter and nuts and kept trying to after I said she'd had enough.

So I became an impromptu babysitter for this kid who wasn't listening to me. I was pissed. I was more pissed that he wouldn't leave my dog alone, and that I got stuck with this kid on my shitty twelve hour day. All right, I will attempt to not turn this blog into a platform for me to bitch about how shitty things are right now, so all that was to illustrate how stressed out and frustrated I was (new word: strustrated? frussed?).

I made the Peanut Butter Banana Oatmeal for breakfast. Despite not having any sweetener like sugar or honey, the combination of the peanut butter and the banana was flavorful enough that I liked it. Unfortunately, it was really hot, and I didn't have time to eat it all, or even a third of it, before I had to run and catch the bus. Have I mentioned that it takes me an hour to get to work by bus? It sucks. I'll probably mention it again because I'm so bitter about it.

I had made the Lentil Soup recipe from the book, which is not on the website, the night before for lunch. It's 10 ounces of lentils, four ounces each of carrots, celery, and leeks, four Strausborg sausages (which I was unable to find, so I used some really good Italian hot sausage), and a shit ton of garlic salt. All right, the recipe didn't actually call for it (though it did say salt and pepper), and maybe it's my numbed American tastebuds, but it really needed it. I also threw in some fresh herbs. It was really good and flavorful, which, given it was full of LENTILS, was a nice surprise. I also had an apple at lunch, and had been eating walnuts and almonds and dried apricots in the morning.

When I finally got home, the last thing I wanted to do was make dinner. I was really hungry, really exhausted, and really pissy. But I knew I'd feel like that, so I planned on making Chicken Au Champagne, which my mom and I had made and I knew was relatively fast, easy, and good. And it was all those things. I threw together the Strawberry Salad with Tomatoes, another thing my mom and I had made, only sans tomatoes. I have tried all my life, and I just don't like tomatoes. Tomato derived products are fine, but I don't like the flavor or texture or consistency of tomatoes by themselves. So, anyway, I can't say enough about that salad. It's so simple and yet it tastes like there's a fantasy world coming to life in your mouth, it's so vivid and delicious. I love love love it. I also had a little bit of this fantastic spring onion and chive cheddar cheese I got from a great grocery store near my apartment. Cooking while shaking off the stress of the day while dancing to Pulp was actually really nice, and probably better at reducing my stress than my past tactic: getting comfort food (it probably would've been garlic fries and a fried fish sandwich from a local fast food chain, with a HUGE Mountain Dew...look at that parallel already, it's quite striking), and then watching tv on dvd to distract me while I ate. And, rest assured, I have a tiny studio apartment that's quite cluttered. If I can find room to dance around like an idiot (I was also trying to entertain my bird), so can you!

To be honest, the prospect of maintaining this degree of planning and preparation is quite daunting (I will need more Xanax). I was intending to make a fish dish tonight for dinner, but I think I'm just going to finish off the chicken. Guiliano cautions against eating the same thing several nights in a row, because variety is a key component, but for me, this is what I need to do right now.

Day One: Successful!

Inaugural Post

Hello, dear readers.

Well, so begins the terrifying journey of almost entirely changing my eating habits. Perhaps the most horrifying prospect is giving up my Mountain Dew habit. Embarrassing, I know. I'm addicted to caffeine, but I don't like tea or coffee. So starting tomorrow, I'm banishing soda from my life and will begin taking caffeine pills. Hopefully, I can gradually ease off of those, too, and eventually be free of the corn syrup and caffeine shackles. Right now I've got a ~$2 a day habit. NO GOOD. I also don't like what studies have to say about what soda does for bone density.

All the time I've been overweight, I've been fantasizing about a future, wherein I'm thin, I feel good about my body, and food is no longer such a dominant part of my life. I have a ridiculous but persistent plan for when I'm thin. Buy some fantastic lingerie, and hang out in my apartment all day in it, being a sex bomb (yes, by myself). I'm going to do up a Brigitte Bardot bouffant and smokey eyes and everything. Other components of my fantasy future involve being thin and sexy in London, wearing a lot of tweed suiting, and also finally being able to manifest my unerring (and sometimes daring) fashion sense. Also, learning how to cook would be nice.

Another driving force here is that I think I'll have a very difficult time getting into a serious, long term relationship when I feel that such a big part of my life is uncontrollable and underdeveloped. It's not that I don't think guys will be attracted to me. In fact, I worry that when I'm thin, I'll develop a complex about how Guy X wouldn't have hit on me when I was over weight, and how do I feel about THAT. It's more that I don't feel particularly grown up in that regard, and it's hindering me.

My plan for tonight, to get off on the right foot: make lentil soup for lunch tomorrow, with strawberry and tomato salad, and have chicken au champagne for dinner after work (which is a 12 hour day, SUCK). I'll update with my thoughts on the recipes (and links to them, if they're on the website). Eeek!